I’m back from the cottage and today I am going to my first live OA meeting since I “slipped” and changed my date.
I find myself rehearsing in my mind what I’m going to say. In our group, it is suggested that if you don’t have a week of back to back abstinence, that you just listen, but I find myself wanting to share. About my slip and the changes I’ve made to my abstinence definition.
I don’t want people to feel discouraged. I don’t feel like I’ve failed. I feel like I’m moving forward, getting more honest, getting much more peaceful with the food and with this whole process. I want them to understand that a “slip” can be a good thing. I want to share my experience, strength and hope around this issue.
Or do I?
Maybe I don’t want them to think I’ve failed. To be disappointed with me. To fill in my silence with their own personal extrapolations. Maybe I want to manage all of their perceptions of me and my journey and maybe I’m trying to put a “spin” on my story to show me in the best possible light.
I find myself choosing today’s clothing with care. Don’t want to wear anything tight, that shows the little roll I’ve developed on my tummy. If they are anything like I was even six months ago, I know that as soon as they’ve hear that I “slipped”, they will be checking me out to see if I’ve gained weight. Yeesh, I’m even trying to manage their perceptions about my body!
So much internal chatter! So much concern about what people think! I could start my own personal PR company! Ah, I’ve still got a ways to go yet. One of my sponsors told me that other people’s opinion of me is none of my business, and it’s good to remind myself of that.
I’ve decided I am going to dress up. Just a little bit. Put on makeup. Do the best I can with what I’ve got. I want to feel pretty, comfortable, and relaxed. And when I get to the meeting, if I want to share, I’m going to share. Instead of obsessing about what others think about me, though, I’m going to try to be fully present for my friends, and focus on how they are doing. God, free me from the bondage of self, so that I can better serve others. I resign from personal PR.